Hey Everyone! Reshmi Hazra Rustebakke here, a former #OTVFellow, as well as long time OTV artist with shows like Brujos, FOBia, The Haven, and more. I even had the chance to work on the flagship show, You’re So Talented. And now, I have the incredible honor of being the guest blogger of the Beyond She: A Tapestry of Femininity OTV drop! This has been such a bright spot in a hard moment, both personally and globally.

This month’s drop, which includes A Real One, SIN-SFO, Forked Tongue, Caluim, Mar from Marisa, and Chhaya, woke me up to myself. These films felt like parts of me were drawn on the screen, only to be reflected back by different bodies.

For the last two years, I have been undergoing IVF treatments-stemming from miscarriages and infertility issues for the last six years. We are close to the end of this journey, and spoiler alert: it’s not necessarily a happy ending. This has caused me to reckon with my ideas of my femininity over, and over, and over again. Ever since I was a little girl, I was always so sure I would have a family of my own, never questioning that, since I loved kids. But then it turned out that my body can’t do the one thing that it’s supposed to be built for. And I hated it even more, because as the world began to fall apart more visibly, so did I.

I have always been active in my communities, whether as a family member, friend, or neighbor. But with grieving my body and its inability to do something seemingly routine, I lost myself and I lost touch. I found myself anxious in large groups; I struggled to connect with new people; I lost a lot of my hope.

Over the course of these last six years I have had to make a lot of peace with myself. I have had to relearn that femininity has nothing to do with body parts or with what other people think of me, or even what I think of me. Femininity is just something inside us, all of us, and we all have different ways of expressing it. Watching this last OTV drop lovingly reminded me of that.

Forked Tongue (dir. Melanie Ojwang) was such a moment of joy for me. I found my laugh again. It reminds me of all the conversations I have with my friends about our favorite romances, being sure to share the ones that have the really juicy, steamy bits. Or how one of my besties and I have started dreaming of writing and recording for Quin, an audio erotica app. I plan on stealing the mango pit trick, when it’s time. Though, even as I near 40, I’m really hoping my mom doesn’t catch me in the act.

One of the best reminders from this drop, though, was Mar from Marisa (dir. Gabi Morbeck). One of my favorite things about being a Chicagoan now (can I claim this after 15 years?) is the lake. Any time of year, you can catch me on the lakefront, whether swimming in the frigid temperatures, running with the glow of the sunrise shining on my face, or lulling my anxiety away, mesmerized by the waves crashing against the rocks. The way that my body feels, submerged, cradled, and held by the water: there’s no other feeling like it. The lake calls to me, even in the depths of winter, when the ice glazes over its churning form, just like the ocean calls to Mar. I found my body again.

But Chhaya (dir. Sophiyaa Nayar) was where I saw myself the most. Not only because I’m South Asian, which definitely helped. But because I think that too often I can forget my own power. I let one of my saddest, hardest, most challenging moments make me forget what lies dormant inside of me.

“In Chhaya, I was reminded that no matter how lonely I feel, how many monsters can lay around the corner-I have the power to fight back, and that power in me is divine. I found my spirit again. No one can take that from me. ”

I hope you all enjoy this drop as much as I did. All of the films spoke to me, reaching different versions of myself: young, middle aged, lonely, friendly, devastated, joyful all in one. Every feminine body on that screen reminded me that my femininity is here, inside me, not measured by some hormone test, or by the number of needles that I need to try to create a human life. And in my feminine power, I can build life. Not a baby, but life within my family, friends, and community at large.

We can fight whatever bullshit that the world wants to throw our way- genocide, injustice, hatred, and more. We just have to return to our divine feminine. So as you all enjoy this drop, I want to ask you:

“where does your femininity lie? And what can you build with it?”

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